This post is being written on October 16th. I’m postponing it until we tell everyone about the contents. Because as I once heard. The internet isn’t written in pencil, its written in ink.
On the 14th, I was home sick with pertussis or a cold or SARS or something. I had a funny feeling that I should take a pregnancy test. So Rusty leaves to go meet up with a some friends for a few drinks and I decide it is the ideal time to pee on a piece of plastic. With my heart beating like a Jamaican steel drum, the lines start to appear.
Two lines on the First Response, I should have bought stock in this company because I’ve used so many, pregnancy test.
I stare at it for over ten minute, waiting for the optical illusion to disappear. I wonder if I had succumbed to bacterium induced hallucinations. I pick up the phone to call Rusty and set it down.
I decide I need to shower to clear my head. (Also, being sick, I’m pretty sure it was at least two days overdue anyway.) I check the test again. I get dressed. I call Rusty to find out where he is.
Me-Where are you?
Me-I need to talk to you, I’m coming out to see you.
Me-I can’t tell you.
Rusty-Is this bad?
Me-No, but I need to talk to you.
Rusty-So it’s good?
Me- Don’t make me say anything just wait until I get there.
Throwing the test in my purse, I raced out of the house, hair still dripping wearing my best ripped in the armpit tee shirt. I track Rusty down and Pull him to stand in the fading light of the Front Street Book Store. (The one with three Debbie Macomber books, get them while their hot!) I pull the test out and Rusty stares at it quizzically.
“Does that mean you’re pregnant?” he asks slowly. I smile and he pulls me in for a hug.
As I’m driving back home I begin to think, ‘isn’t there such thing as a false positive? What if that is all this is? What did I just do? It was a false positive and I can’t believe I just told Rusty…’ So I do what any other sane woman would do. I drive to Wal-Mart to buy four more tests. Just to be on the safe side.
- I’m not crazy obsessive or anything
But each one says the same thing. Positive, positive, positive, forgot one in the Wal-Mart bathroom in my haste.
It all seems so surreal right now. After three whole years of tears and Clomid, hot flashes and acupuncture, here we are. Finally pregnant with our first baby.
As I’m four weeks and five days along, I don’t have a belly yet, don’t have too bad of side effects. My baby is the size of a poppy seed. Is that the right word? But never the less, I can feel the difference. I read in my favorite book once about pregnancy. She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb. When Dolores becomes pregnant.
“Some awareness was hovering on the surface, something that made the giddy feeling keep coming. My mind kept twirling. I reached beneath the elastic of my bra and felt my breasts. They were sensitive to the touch in a way that was both sexy and painful-a new feeling…”
For years I thought I understood what was described in that passage. I understood the basic physicality of pregnancy. But I was so wrong. Because there are no words that can translate the sensation of knowing that for the first time in your life, you are growing something that will completing shape your life.
Now I have a new set of fears that are so much stronger than the ones I had when I wasn’t sure I could have a baby. I’m scared of labor, i’m scared that the cough syrup with codeine (the one I was so excited about) that i used before I found out I was pregnant will effect the baby. I’m worried that I will have morning sickness, but wait…Isn’t it a good sign to have morning sickness?
But most of all, I’m scared that this post will never see the light of day on December 8th, when I will officially be in my second trimester.
A psychic once told me I have healer hands, so all I can do is place my hands on my belly and radiate the positivity. Oh, and sleep because I’m really tired.