My preconceived notions

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This post is brought to you by the Dixie Chicks.

This is not a cheery post. I don’t think I wrote one semi funny line in the whole bit. So if you’re looking for a laugh line go somewhere else. I recommend here and click on the videos

It is no secret that Rosalie is my favorite character in the saga. Not only is she smart, funny and has a lightning wit.  But most importantly, she has genuine issues that she is dealing with, not like most of the other characters.

I started reading the saga in October 2008, right before the movie came out. A year before my husband and I got married at the young age of 23. We are both done with school, own our home and have established careers. The next logical step would be children. So with hope in by eyes I went off birth control in October of 07. By the time that I read Twilight I was getting pretty fed up with things. I devoured the saga like it was cajun clucks from Red Robin. I loved everything about it. The romance, the intrigue, the shirtless boys. But it wasn’t until I read Rosalie’s explanation that I really fell for the books. And then in Breaking Dawn, Leah Clearwater says the words I had been thinking. The words that I was ashamed to say out loud.

I also really hope that they will let her have the scene in Breaking Dawn where she tells Jacob that she feels for Rosalie.  As some one who is currently going through infertility, I understand Leah.

I understand why your blond vampire is so cold – in the figurative sense. She’s focused. She’s got her eye on the prize, right? Because you always want the very most what you can never, ever have…That’s the funny thing about knowing you can’t have something. It makes you desperate. (Breaking Dawn, Chapter 16, p.319-320)

It is very difficult to imagine that you may never get to have children. When she talks about the theory behind imprinting and how she is a werewolf because there is something wrong with her. It is a moment that brought tears to my eyes. I hold those parts so close to my heart. It’s funny that something as superficial as a Young Adult vampire book would have this effect on me. But it does.

Struggling with infertility is a heartbreaking situation. No one who hasn’t gone through it can offer you support, because they haven’t been there. When you decide to try to get pregnant you start thinking of yourself as a mother already. Every month that you get that negative test results it cuts you down. You begin to question yourself and every action you do. What is a woman’s worth without children? What can a wife offer her husband, if not an heir?

So I do what any other woman would do, I see the doctor, I get medications and hormones. I get my blood drawn once a month and take my temperature ever morning. I cry and I laugh and I visualize smacking all those stupid people who get pregnant on accident. I have never been as inclined to violence until I started my fertility treatments. (I am slightly hopped up, I suppose.)

I began writing as a outlet for my grief. As a teenager I would write poem after poem about the silliest things. And now? Well, writing these words out, I feel so foolish. I may delete this whole post, because who really needs or wants to read about some twenty something girl who can’t have children? Yet I need to put them out in the universe, I need to feel as if I am not the only one who is battling this. Come right or wrong, these are my grievances.

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